…not sheilds and thicker skins.
I thought a lot about this post…this first post in this new blog, this new beginning. I spent a whole day deciding on a name and format and color, and many additional days understanding its reason for existing, how I would juggle or combine my worlds to increase my satisfaction with my life and how I’m living it, how I’m expending energy, how I’m duplicating tasks and thereby fragmenting myself a great deal more than necessary. I’ve given a lot of time to thinking about what I should write about, what I should start with. But ultimately a blog is not a blog without a post…and so today I commit my first thoughts to this new format, calling forth whatever may come from opening this very big door.
I thought, in the spirit of the way my dear and ever catalyzing friend, Zeke quoted me on his blog recently on the topic of forgiveness, I thought I would include the conversation I had with him today that finally was the impetus of this first post. 🙂 However, the section of this blog post that is our conversation (and I’m prettttty sure he won’t mind my including it) is optional reading. Skip it if reading other poeple’s conversations is annoying to you and head to the end where the rest of this post and summary resides.
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Ren: At this point I’m actually blending my RL, my SL (Second Life), my blogging, and my music, and my BDSM scene life…Fet life…all of it…together, developing a flowing connection between them all
and being as fully and authentically and completely me as I can in all of them.
Zeke: It is all coming together. I feel it.
Ren: The distinguishing lines are not just blurring…I’m intentionally removing them.
Zeke: I don’t know if you remember me saying something long ago.. something like,… we need to grow you a thicker skin 😛
Ren: smiles
Zeke: i dont remember the actual words
Ren: yes
Zeke: but i was thinking
Ren: we’ve both said that a few times
Zeke: this blurring and combining process, what that’s doing for you, i feel is building you into the you that you want to be. i feel that you (and me big time too) were lacking this
Ren: yes…the thicker skin comes from being more comfortable in my own skin/s
Zeke: yeah
Ren: you know…in a way, its more like having a more permeable skin than a thicker one, letting more flow through me freely rather than having to build thicker shields
Zeke: including letting bullets pass through one side and out the other
Ren: and also learning to roll, not take the hits
Zeke: i agree with that, redirection, yup
Ren: The distinguishing lines are not just blurring…I’m intentionally removing them.
Ren: like they can’t touch me because they can’t make impact (“they” being anyone that I let get to me or I perceive as judging or threatening me); aggressive punches flow through instead of getting satisfaction, because I am making myself transparent and strong in that transparency. I like that a lot better than “growing a thicker skin.” That resonates with me MUCH better.
Zeke: One thing that i used to tell (a prior sub), and i don’t know if i told you, (i think i may have), and we touch on it when we talk about submissive strength, but i feel like reiterating it: We are helping each other realize our strengths and just how strong we are.
Ren: Absolutely…hehe I think we both feel like we are contributing to helping each other become a stronger dom/submissive, respectively
Zeke: i agree. I like this revelation of yours. Strength in transparency and permeability, not shields
Ren: ok that is worthy of a blog post
Zeke: yes!
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Blogging resumes here:
hehe…just felt like writing that.
Where was I? Ah yes…well maybe in this post I should introduce myself briefly just hitting on the high points: that I am a musician, a submissive, a resident in Second Life, a local BDSM scene participant, married to my dominant that I met in the local BDSM scene in 2000, who is also a blogger and SLer and musician. He goes by names like KwaiSpock in Second Life, Quai Disciplines in WordPress. And then there’s Awesome Guy. Awesome Guyis my guide to the present, my growth muse, my partner in D/s exploration, already one of the best friends I’ve ever been blessed to have in my life, and one of the two men that I’ve chosen to serve in every way I can offer and in every way they will accept from me. Quai and Awesome Guy. Thank you both for your quiet and continuous inspiration/faith/challenge/acceptance of my submission/offering of your dominance.
The idea of this blog is to bridge the me that I am in all these different communities, mend the fragments, connect the facets of my multiple lives. I used to keep it all very seperate. My real life from my virtual life…and within those two relms, the different communities I belonged to, like BDSM, philanthropy, music. I’m doing this for several reasons. One is simply my own sanity. I can’t and no longer want to live with so many parts hidden from one another. There’s too little time, too much duplication, too much wasted energy. When I greet my 50th Earth year, (Oct 2012) I want to see one whole and clear person, with a purpose and a plan.
With my mother’s death 5 years ago, and then her brothers and so on…there’s only a couple left in that generation. I am becoming part of the “Elder” generation in both sides of my family. And I realize, other than one brother and a niece and her kids and my step-daughter who is an adult–20 this year–who am I trying to impress? And they already know I’m a kinkster and make music; well they do if they were paying attention. And they have their lives and I have mine. Viva la difference! And the rest of my family…well..either I don’t care or I realize they judged me as useless and confused a long long time ago so I’ve got nothing to lose there…so I still don’t care. I’d love if some of them came out of the woodwork and said, “Wow Ren, didn’t know this about you…we have a lot in common…” or something like that but you know how that is. Great if it happens, and not likely. While I may make this blog accessible to them…would they read it? At the same time, I’m trying to do it in a way that does protect those, such as friends and family that are not comfortable or simply don’t want to know this much about me. I plan to do little if any censoring within these pages. Therefore I am very carefully placing them in categories that indicate erotic or otherwise controversial topics. Hence my bit of warning poetry at the front door.
Another reason is my music. As my music has become more and more authentically me, more and more of my erotic self and feelings about the D/s lifestyle are coming into out in it. I finally decided one of my first CD’s needs to be a BDSM themed CD. Once I made that decision, and in Second Life have continued in that direction also, binding my “sex alt” with my “main avatar” together by performing music in BDSM clubs, roleplaying as Freestar Tammas instead of the alt, etc, finally turning my live music themed island into an adult and D/s and bondage related island…while also seeking in that forum a greater immersion and understanding of D/s…I was already on the path in Second Life. Once I decided to make the music I do in my first life connected to BDSM, I realized there’s not much point in keeping them apart in SL either. Blend…blend…blend….connect….connect…connect…
Now my husband blogs a spanker blog…blend…blend…connect….connect….
Soon I will open my bdsm island in SL where I also will play my music and ask guests musicians to join me…blend…blend…connect …connect…
Soon my first mp3s will be available for purchase….again…blend….blend….connect…connect…
I’ve always given my whole heart to principles I believe in, people I love, activities I enjoy. If I look at you at all it will be with an intensity you are probably not used to. And I’m curious…I will probably look. 🙂 When I get an idea I believe in I push through with it, no matter how many people tell me it’s a bad idea, an impractical idea. I’ve gotten hurt easily because I am by nature very sincere, often pretty literal, and because I forget that most people don’t actually give a shit. I always give a shit. So it’s been said…by most that have seen me get hurt, including me, that I need a thicker skin to do the things I do, to pioneer, to be visionary. Sometimes my coping mechanism, more often than not, in fact, has been anger. It hurts so I roar. It hurts so I object. It hurts so I beat the point into the ground (or into someone’s skull..heart….) and try to stop it from happening again.
It’s been said if I have a thicker skin…I won’t need to do that…I won’t feel it. But deep down the idea of giving up feeling…was not right for me. The idea of muting or reducing what I feel to survive…was not acceptable for me. Even the idea of shielding myself so things roll or deflect off me was not working for me. But openness…that comes naturally to me. My motives are always clear for anyone that wants to bother to look at them. My intentions are always right up front. My opinions are always readily available, no need to make assumptions or read between the lines. So what if I can take that further…and become so transparent, that instead of fighting or avoiding or standing up to, or sheilding against perceived and real attacks, that instead I let myself feel them, but not attach to the feelings…letting them and the impact flow through me, teaching me what they will, but not staying imbedded in my armor.
It reminds me of the drunk that falls down stairs. They are so lose and relaxed they hardly get hurt. Compared to someone that is tense, afraid of falling, and then breaks and strains and bruises all over from the same fall. I want to be drunkenly open. Hehe…sounds like a slutty party girl on an night out. 😀
Peace, love, respect and kinkiness,
Ren
RenascentWoman 
Yes! This is a wonderful introduction to you and your blog. Even though I know you as well as anyone, I find myself intrigued and fascinated and looking forward to your next post. As a fellow blogger, and a kink blogger at that, I’m happy to welcome you to what I have found to be a very supportive and welcoming community.
I’m so happy and proud to have my Beauty join the blogosphere 🙂
Love,
Quai
Alrighhhhht…look at meeeeee…blogger replying to comennnnnts….*giggles*
Thank you for the loving words, Beast! 🙂 (Shut up! I know we’re corny! We’re the Lilly and Marshal of kinky loving!)
Welcome to blogging, and it’s so nice to meet you! I can’t wait to see what you do with the place.
Thanks Em, I appreciate your leaving a comment and great to meet you too! 🙂 I can’t wait to see either..haha. I have no idea other than “everything.” I plan very little censoring.
Congratulations, and a great start to your blog. Onward!
Thanks Zeke! 🙂 🙂 🙂
I agree with the others. Welcome, and I can hardly wait to to read more.
Lunargirl
Thanks lunargirl! This is an exciting world to just be hopping into like this. Next thing is starting to travel the blogging community more actively myself. So much I want to do now that I’m getting overwhelmed!
It’s great to meet you. You’re one of the very few other people (possibly the only person?) I’ve encountered online who serves two dominants simultaneously. I get asked all the time how that can possibly work and it’s really difficult to explain. (“Erm – it just does. They’re not dicks, they don’e ask anything of me which will fuck things up for the other one. Unless something is lacking in either relationship or one of us has reason to be insecure, none of us tend towards jealousy. Why would it NOT work?”)
I’m excited to meet a likeminded spirit and have lots of annoying questions for you about it (do the three of you ever play together? How are the relationships different and what value do you get from each of them? Do the relationships have different shapes in your head/heart? What sides of you do they each bring out?) but, you know, you’ve just started blogging and I’m sure you’ll talk about what you want to talk about in your own time. Patience is something I’m working on 😉
How cool though that your life is reaching this point where all the threads in your weave are starting to look like the same strong pattern. I’m a bit jealous actually – I’m still maintaining an artificial-feeling separation between my selves (to others, anyway; to myself it’s all me) and I’m very much looking forward to the time when I can start to do some blending and connecting of my own.
Anyway, welcome; very much looking forward to reading and getting to know you.
Great to meet you too Pandora! I’m slowly getting to know my way around blogging and WordPress. It boggles the brain at first. I am a babe in the Mystical Blogging Bog. Thankfully Quai has gone before me and also has been telling me lots about your blog–he enjoys it immensely!
I’m very excited to meet a like-minded spirit also, not just in the fact that we are both trying this D/s thing in the “unconventional” (hahaha…funny) configuration of two doms/one sub, but also from what Quai has shown me you are a creative and also lifestyle activist, fair-minded, and a great writer/thinker! I’d be interested in knowing you even if you weren’t kinky but since you are…woot!
You put into a nutshell why it works over here too with, “they’re not dicks, they don’t ask anything of me which will fuck things up for the other one.” Well said! It means they don’t come from a place of ego either, and are committed to communication, the receiving as well as the broadcasting. If anything my doms are exceptionally good at listening, better than I am. They are both empaths.
I do probably lean more toward jealousy than than Zeke and Quai but I recognize that as an area to grow, that is generated from self-doubt and an emotional one that doesn’t match my philosophical view on relationships or poly, which is that it should not be discounted as an option, especially over painful ultimatums. I mean true poly, not just one person dumping another person on them, but a mutually developed affection that leads to family expansion.
To be clear, I don’t exactly have a poly relationship with Quai and Zeke (Zeke avoids labels, even more than we do). Rather I have a D/s relationship with each of them, and each has it’s own practical applications, emotional flavor, and so on. Quai, being my husband, living with me deals with me day in and day out. Zeke I may never meet in the physical world, tho he’s profoundly involved in my evolution as a person in the physical world, but our “face time” is spent looking at each other’s fairly realistic avatars in Second Life. He and Quai relate both in private chat and in the virtual world of SL and when tho we sometimes spend time as a group in group chats or in SL, and although they discuss the “care and feeding” of their sub when working together makes sense, they are three very distinct relationships. But I’m delighted they have found friendship and support in each other. That’s just an immense bonus for me.
As for my connecting my worlds. It’s scary! And as friend recently said I’m either crazy or brave to do it. I’m hoping it’s brave!
Patience. Don’t even start me talking about patience! :0
Ren
Excellent post, Ren! I enjoyed it considerably. Welcome to the blogging world 🙂
I particularly enjoyed the discussion of your relationship with Zeke, and its implications. Having been about the internet for a long long time now, and being an active Druid and practitioner of several magical paradigms, I’ve always been interested in the politics and philosophy of self-constructed identity. Are avatars real? How does one recognise identity choices which are actualising rather than annonymising? Is there a difference? And many other interesting questions.
It’s been clear to me for a while that one of the areas which explores this post-modern philosophical theme most directly is online D/S; I’ll be interested to read your experiences of it.