Aging

“I’m not going to miss out on the experience of being 50 just because other people are uncomfortable with it.”

Here’s how I got to the point of making that statement…

So it’s a new year, and I’m 50.  (That happened in October but I’m still figuring out what it actually means to me.)

Naturally, this is an adjustment and I’m thinking a lot about my age. Odds are pretty pretty good that I’m past the halfway point of my life. Typically, a deeper awareness of the inevitability of one’s mortality usually comes to us via some kind of health wake-up call, regardless of how many friends or family have gone ahead to the happy hunting ground.  (love that metaphor for some reason…hehe…sounds like C.A.R.P.)

I had a bunch of problems with shortness of breath and dizziness over the holidays and I’m grateful I didn’t have a lot of gigs scheduled because I would only have had to cancel.  But I passed a pulmonary machine test, 95% blood oxygen in fact, no signs or elevations that indicate infection or inflammation in my blood work, no diabetes, chest xray was clear (thank you Universe) tho they did hear a bit of wheezing, I’m pretty sure now it was my “volcano” vaporizer that was causing or at least exacerbating/compounding whatever is going on.  She’s still sending me to a pulmonary specialist, even with that confession.  This week I have a nerve conduction test in four limbs for suspected nerve compression and also a bone density test and something else…losing track. heh.

But the point of all of that is that they discovered inadvertently, that I have hypothyroidism.  They don’t come right out and say, “You have hypothyroidism,” although probably if I was in the office getting the news instead of phone I would have been handed a pamphlet called “Hypothyroidism and You.”  I’d put money on that one.   Instead they have a nurse tell me, “Your thyroid is low, which pharmacy can we send the Synthroid to?  Come back in six weeks to be monitored with another blood draw.”  That’s it. I gave it the name all by myself.

Okie dokie, so according to THE INTERNET it’s most likely an autoimmune thing where my body will just progressively destroy my thyroid tissue and doctors will compensate with synthetic thyroid for the rest of my life.  Groovy.  But I’m actually freaking GLAD there is a reason for feeling so shitty all the time that you can do something about without creating more symptoms from side effects (unlike FMS) and equally fearful that this treatment,too, will prove not to make any damned difference at all.  I had been given it therapeutically in the past by different doctors based on symptoms alone, before having the symptoms set blamed on candidiasis or fibromyalgia.  But not one of them ever told me how to take the hormone so it would actually be absorbed, and no one ever said they wanted to monitor it. I didn’t have insurance so after a few weeks or when the first bottle ran out I would not get more because I could not discern enough difference in how I felt to justify the cost.  But as it turns out if you don’t take it exactly right and for at least 6 weeks it can’t be absorbed or reach a therapeutic level.  Sigh.

blah blah…I won’t bore you with anymore details on my health picture right now, but anyway…hmmm…hypothyroidism.  (Took my very first pill last night. I woke up feeling very strange–what I think people mean  when they say they “rested.”  Placebo effect? Seems too soon to feel such a dif … ) Which brings me back to my original inspiration for this post…

I’m aging. I’m aware of it. I’m working to make peace with it.

Part of the struggle is changing my interpretation of different labels.  Like “submissive” for instance.  When I picture in my brain a submissive…well fuck me…what I see is a skinny 20 something on her knees.  Not a fifty year old woman with sore knees. When I imagine thin, someone, me, that loses the weight I need (not just want) to lose, I imagine myself in my 20s, or 30s….again…not the reality that significant weight loss at my age makes you look significantly older, not fit and young.  When I think of singers that actually perform the kind of music I write and like to sing, my music which ranges from comedy to smokey to downright comehitherandfuckme, I again picture youth, and what youth usually means, such as energy, no chronic pain…things I haven’t had access to for most of my life., but still, like everyone else, associate with successful performing female musicians (especially those just starting out), espeically ones that create and try to express erotic ideas/content, which I do. No matter what else I accomplish for the rest of my life, I cannot be young ever again.

Accepting my age  also involves accepting and forgiving myself for the unnecessary damage I have done to my body to age it faster and write my fate for the second half of my life.  I cannot undo the damage of sunburns to my skin that now tries to kill me (I’ve already had a melanoma), nor whatever I’ve done to my lungs from that 8 years of smoking cigs or 30 years of smoking cannabis off and on might have done (for both treating physical pain, depressions and anxiety, and yes, for fun). I can’t undo the damage in my knees and feet that carrying too much weight my whole life has done.  I probably can’t remove any sludge I’ve already deposited in my arteries, or the carcinogens I knowingly ingested because I liked how it felt or tasted (like char-grilled meat).  Add heredity.

And that’s just the health stuff.  There’s also the whole “omg…what have I done with my life?  Who am I?  What does it all mean?  I was supposed to have done X, Y, and Z by now. Oh God I may NEVER do X, Y, OR Z!  Where do I really belong in the world? Where am I going? Wtf happens AFTER this?  Will there be enough money to get to that point without undo suffering?”  It’s actually pretty similar to the first time around when you are in your early 20s thinking of all that, but minus the “it’s late or about to be too late” and the “OMG I’m actually going to die some day, probably from a disease!” factors.

Then there’s how people treat you.  It changes.  “The Golden Girls” did not help, in my opinion.  I’m not entirely sure “Desperate Housewives” did either.  I no longer think Cher is actually human so I can’t use her as an example either.   Well at least it opened the door to sex after 50 being a plausible concept, and even made it OK if it’s a bit sexy, kinky even.   But I guess I still don’t feel represented.  I tell myself there are others that might feel that way so maybe “I” can represent that for them.  Maybe that’s my role, my place in music’s underground.  But I have had people call me “Ma’am” lately.  Shivers.  And another musician wrote to me to say, “wow, you’re old. I’m sorry for you.”     I think pity or thinking I’m just “cute” for trying is the worst thing you feel coming at you.  And then down the line you also get to be considered increasingly useless and in the way.  Can’t wait.

So I’m putting a stop to this bullshit line of media induced thinking right here.  They can dish it up but I don’t have to ingest it anymore. I am sexual and erotic and musical and outspoken and full figured because I am, not because I have permission to be from society.  I welcome society to embrace me or go fuck themselves, whichever it might enjoy most.

I’ve always said, “I don’t want to lie about my age. I want a medal for every year I pull off.”   I’ve never meant that more. Because I’ll tell you something…
Aging takes courage.

Respect, Ren

No Better (Lyrics)

No Better

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 06/23/12)

Liner Notes:  This one was written for my dominant, Zeke. He knows I’m no better unbound.

Verse 1

We can’t fight each other’s battles
We can’t wage each other’s war
We can’t claim a part in victory
if we aren’t there for the fall

We can try to work together
We can try to take a stand
If we take it toward each other
we will surely end up damned

Verse 2

I agree we must be stronger
I agree I didn’t trust
and I’ll say it if I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m still removing the rust

And if not for all of these
good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust
turning back to dust

Chorus

I am amazed that we are poetry
I’m stunned that we exist
I’m ablaze with erotic imagery
I’m debased with erotic twist

I’m clouded in my judgement
I’ve never seen so far before
I’m aghast my past is loosening
and I’m lounging on the floor

I’m struggling in my stupor
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I am with you
and I’m no better found alone

(Vocal Jam)

Verse 3

We can try and find the limits
We can push until we fall
It’s ok to fall together
if we’re tearing down the walls

There’s a lesson in here somewhere
there’s a gift to be unwrapped
I’ve submitted to correction
I was wrong in my attack

Verse 4

I agree there is a reason
and I see I didn’t trust
Among the roots that I’ve been digging
I’ve uncovered faith in us

And if not for all of these
good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust
turning back to dust

Chorus 2

I’m amazed how well you know me
I’m stunned how well we sync
I’m ablaze with the heat of everything
I’m focused on only this

I’m giving up my judgement
I’ve left regretting at the door
I’m eager for more exploring
where I haven’t thought to go before
I’m soaring in the space you sent me
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I’m without you
I’m no better found unbound

D Stands for Dominant

(Originally posted in my Second Life Profile Pick, “Uh Oh! She’s thinking again…”)

10/19/12 – Some “dominants” confuse asshole-ism with authenticity, domineering with domination, possessiveness with ownership, misogyny with mastery, and roleplay with relationship. Unfortunately so do many submissives.

I Asked the Universe #2 – “Have I changed?”

So carrying on from the last post, I Asked the Universe #1 – “Could you be more obvious?” where I shared the lyrics I’d written and forgotten about for exactly one year, minus 1 hour and 40 mins in a state of pretty strong despair about where D/s fits in my life, who I was, what I was going to do next, after the failure of an attempt of going from an SL D/s relationship to a RL poly situation.  That song lyric was called “Resolution” and is not yet a song.

Random fact: March 4, in my 24th year, was the day I moved into my own apartment (apartment 4, on 4th street, with four more 4’s in my new phone number) for the first time, no roommates.  It was the same day that only 166 miles away, Zeke was being born.  Twenty-four years later, living 3000 miles away. give or take, and joined Second Life  where I met him in the 4th month of last year, and has become an amazing and major contributor to my life story and the current blessings of my life.  He’s also inspiring a lot of songs!  Oh Universe…you’re so much fun sometimes.  Did I mention his favorite number happens to be 4?

More random facts: It was a really crappy apartment but very safe and it was MINE. I’d have been happy with a closet I could lock at the time.  It was while living in that apartment that I first ventured out to perform my music live, that saw me learn to cook, through the ending of a 4 year relationship with someone that did not support my music, 3 bands, 8 years of folk festivals, 3 cats  (found homes for two, one died), 8 potential career paths (house cleaning, original refrigerator magnets and dollhouse miniature food, daycare aide, leotard inspector, water-based die mixer, head of shipping and receiving in two companies, custom bass guitar carver, musician), one surgery, and finally met my first husband, K, that talked me into moving to the south where we divorced and I married Quai.  That’s just while in that appartment.

As to the question, “Have I changed?”  The jury may still be out, but apparently the Universe would like me to take a closer look. I know that since Zeke entered my life, change has come much much more rapidly!   OK…yes..yes I have.  I HAVE changed, you crazy ole Universe!  And you know it!  But yes, yes…I’ll think about it harder.

Here’s the lyrics to the song “No Better” that I wrote a year after “Resolution.”

1.    We can’t fight each other’s battles
we can’t wage each other’s war
we can’t claim a part in victory
if we aren’t there for the fall

We can try to work together
we can try to take a stand
if we take it toward each other
we will surely end up damned

2.  I agree we must be stronger
I agree I didn’t trust
and I’ll say it if I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m still removing rust

and if not for all of these …good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust

CHORUS I:

I’m amazed that we are poetry
I’m stunned that we exist
I’m ablaze with erotic imagry
I’m debased with erotic twist
I’m clouded in my judgement
I’ve never seen so far before
I’m aghast my past is loosening
I’m lounging on the floor
I’m struggling in my stupor
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I am with you
I’m no better found alone
3.   We can try and find the limits
We can push until we fall
It’s ok to fall together
if we’re tearing down the walls

There’s a lesson in here somewhere
there’s a gift to be unwrapped
I’ve submitted to correction
I was wrong in my attack

4.  I agree there is a reason
and I see I didn’t trust
among the roots that I’ve been digging
I’ve uncovered faith in us

and if not for all of these …good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust

CHORUS II:

I’m amazed how well you know me
I’m stunned how well we sync
I’m ablaze with the heat of everything
I’m focused on only this
I’m giving up my judgement
I’ve left regretting at the door
I’m eager for more exploring
where I haven’t thought to go before
I’m soaring in the space you take me
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I’m without you
I’m no better found undone

I Asked the Universe #1: “Could You Be More Obvious?”

I asked the Universe, “Could you be more obvious?” and I think I heard in response, “No more hinting for you!”

Today I randomly found some lyrics by the name of “Restoration” I had apparently written while doing some organizing after a third try and finally some progress on recording a new song, “No Better”   I was rather stunned as I didn’t even remember writing them but very vaguely. I looked at the original date and time I had written them.  I rediscovered this song lyric only an hour and 40 minutes shy of the EXACT one year anniversary after writing it.

Now I’m going  to have to reflect on where I am now by comparison.  At the time my X- dom, J, was still living in our home after an attempt at a poly situation that just could not work for us at that time.  We were only about two weeks from realizing that and calling an end to the whole shebang, finally.  (He lived here 10 months, the D/s part was over in 2. I’m happy to say we remain friends.)  The song I finalized the lyrics and arrangement of today, one year later, “No Better” which was developed over the last week of “growing pains” with my current dom, Zeke is in production and lyrics can be found in my next post.   See blog post “I Asked the Universe #2: “Have I Changed?”  for that comparison of song lyrics, one year later.

8:25 pm Wednesday, March 16, 2011, first written and saved
6:45 pm Friday, March 16, 2012, found it randomly in a folder after writing another song and doing some organization.

I had an expectation
based on a flawed ideation
it’s the kind of thing that keeps you up
the whole damn night

I reached a point of pure frustration
I was completely out of patience
until the only point of recourse was
to flee or fight

so my bark turned into bite
I bound myself in fright
I was burrrrned out brother
a terrible sight

And so I sought restoration
in all the worst kinds of places
as a sign of desperation
a colliape of faces

and it all consumed me like a passion
and I consumed it as I burned
and for all that exalted masterbation
I still was left with nothing earned

so my day turned into night
I infused myself in spite
I was burrrrned out sistahh
a fateful flight

and down and down and down I fell
and the landing never came
we always weave our custom hells
and wallow in the shame

and when I strained to see the truth
in the darkness of my despair
I became my own angel of life and death
and chose my own life to spare

In a moment of clarity
in the midst of my life’s parody
there is a quiet meditation
a place of total restoration

where creation flows without restriction
and forms the root I’m manifesting
to tap the energy as it levels
in that light and dark I’m finally resting

Knowledge Is Painful;Wisdom is Liberating

You’re smart.

Thanks, I’m grateful that I can see all the things go wrong in graphic detail.

(pause)

Knowledge is painful…like ignorance is bliss right?  Eat the fruit of knowledge and it hurts.

Yes but wisdom is liberating!

Wisdom puts knowledge into perspective.

Yeah, I do prefer it to ignorance.

——

To me:

Zeke is like an old soul just trying to remember what he already knows and share it.

Quai is like a lifelong student of himself and human nature, connecting the disconnects and perpetually seeking the perfect system.

I am like a light and dark crystal, reflecting others and revealing and concealing my facets in sparkling disarray.

That’s how I feel right now about these three humans.

—–

I wrote another song today. I shouldn’t spend any more time on it.  I may just post it. If  I do it will be HERE as well as on my “My Music” page.  Check back (tomorrow) and see if I did or not.  haha.  Dammit I’m a songwriting maCHINE these days. What’s all that got to do with Wisdom and Knowledge?   Nothing really… I just started thinking about that and wanted you to as well. 🙂  Yes you!  The rest is just free-associating as I tend to do.  Wasn’t it interesting, at least? Well the song is…”bahh ba ba bah!”

Feel free to comment on the song, the title concept, write your own line stating what you feel like you are in the world. Yay!

Regards,

Rennnnnnnnnagain.

Ism It A Lovely Day? (Socially and politically charged S&M related humor/commentary)

Early thoughts today.

Feminism and race equality are matters of simple logic. If logic is applied you have to come up with that these are “of course!” things. But since chauvinism and racism are based on belief and belief is almost always based on emotions (fear, anger, sadness, joy) and emotional bias (bias against/toward something/someone because of prior emotional responses to something/someone similar), logic hardly ever seems to enter into it.

Belief also comes from never questioning what you observe or are told and the early acceptance of the beliefs of those around us that we often depended on as children.  Potentially, this could feel like abandonment or betrayal, to have extremely dffierent beliefs than the people you come from,  if by some chance you are just of the born nature to question. Otherwise something has to “happen to you” that triggers you to question a bias or prejudice you might have.

Then there are those that realize they have a bias and predjudice and are happy about it. “Damn right America’s the best damn country in the world, fuck YEAH the U. S. of A. is right cos it’s RIGHT! (beer belch here) That’s why!” That’s where I would have finished with “damned commies!” but I was just thinking you don’t hear much about “damned commies” anymore. I guess now the vogue is “damned socialists!” Have I got that right?

Anyway. I hate racism and chauvinism and in fact all the “isms” and I’ve been guilty of a few myself til I discovered them.

Now where can I find a hot black guy to role play the overseer and beat the bejeezus out of me and tell me I’m a lowly female?

Hey that’s a joke.

😀

😀

😀

😀

(more time passes)

um…

Regards,

Ren

Disingenuous Genuflexion

dis·in·gen·u·ous   [dis-in-jen-yoo-uhs] Show IPA
adjective
lacking in frankness, candor, or sincerity; falsely or hypocritically ingenuous; insincere: Her excuse was rather disingenuous.
~~~
gen·u·flec·tion   [jen-yoo-flek-shuhn] Show IPA
noun
an act of bending the knee or touching it to the ground in reverence or worship.

It’s tempting to just stop right there and let people talk among themselves. 😀

In the virtual world of Second Life where I have spent a lot of time  in the past 4.5 years, although I remember the same online posturing back in IRC days, there runs rampant what Zeke and Quai (my two doms) and I refer to as “belt buckle and big black hat doms.” The series of four short “public service” animations on the “Dom and Dommer”  web site illustrate what I mean beautifully and are also damned funny!  It’s the first place I send men that randomly decide they can call me “girl” in a tone to remind me of my “place.”  Heh…don’t think so buddy.  The only time I personally want to be referred to as “girl” is when it comes out of Quai or Zeke’s fingers or mouths and is proceeded by “good.”  Oh there might be a good friend or two that would get away with giving me a “good girl” also.  Maybe. If I let them. 🙂

Ren

Strength in Transparency and Permeability…

…not sheilds and thicker skins.

 

I thought a lot about this post…this first post in this new blog, this new beginning.  I spent a whole day deciding on a name and format and color, and many additional days understanding its reason for existing, how I would juggle or combine my worlds to increase my satisfaction with my life and how I’m living it, how I’m expending energy, how I’m duplicating tasks and thereby fragmenting myself a great deal more than necessary.  I’ve given a lot of time to thinking about what I should write about, what I should start with.  But ultimately a blog is not a blog without a post…and so today I commit my first thoughts to this new format, calling forth whatever may come from opening this very big door.

 

I thought, in the spirit of the way my dear and ever catalyzing  friend, Zeke quoted me on his blog recently on the topic of forgiveness, I thought I would include the conversation I had with him today that finally was the impetus of this first post. 🙂  However, the section of this blog post that is our conversation (and I’m prettttty sure he won’t mind my including it) is optional reading.  Skip it if reading other poeple’s conversations is annoying to you and head to the end where the rest of this post and summary resides.

 

———————

Ren: At this point I’m actually blending my RL, my SL (Second Life), my blogging, and my music, and my BDSM scene life…Fet life…all of it…together, developing a flowing connection between them all

and being as fully and authentically and completely me as I can in all of them.

 

Zeke: It is all coming together. I feel it.

 

Ren: The distinguishing lines are not just blurring…I’m intentionally removing them.

 

Zeke: I don’t know if you remember me saying something long ago.. something like,… we need to grow you a thicker skin 😛

 

Ren: smiles

 

Zeke: i dont remember the actual words

 

Ren: yes

 

Zeke: but i was thinking

 

Ren: we’ve both said that a few times

 

Zeke: this blurring and combining process, what that’s doing for you, i feel is building you into the you that you want to be. i feel that you (and me big time too) were lacking this

 

Ren: yes…the thicker skin comes from being more comfortable in my own skin/s

 

Zeke: yeah

 

Ren: you know…in a way, its more like having a more permeable skin than a thicker one, letting more flow through me freely rather than having to build thicker shields

 

Zeke: including letting bullets pass through one side and out the other

 

Ren: and also learning to roll, not take the hits

 

Zeke: i agree with that, redirection, yup

 

Ren: The distinguishing lines are not just blurring…I’m intentionally removing them.

 

Ren: like they can’t touch me because they can’t make impact (“they” being anyone that I let get to me or I perceive as  judging or threatening me); aggressive punches flow through instead of getting satisfaction, because I am making myself transparent and strong in that transparency.  I like that a lot better than “growing a thicker skin.”  That resonates with me MUCH better.

 

Zeke: One thing that i used to tell (a prior sub), and i don’t know if i told you, (i think i may have), and we touch on it when we talk about submissive strength, but i feel like reiterating it: We are helping each other realize our strengths and just how strong we are.

 

Ren: Absolutely…hehe I think we both feel like we are contributing to helping each other become a stronger dom/submissive, respectively

 

Zeke: i agree. I like this revelation of yours. Strength in transparency and permeability, not shields

 

Ren: ok that is worthy of a blog post

 

Zeke: yes!

 

—————-

 

Blogging resumes here:

 

hehe…just felt like writing that.

 

Where was I?  Ah yes…well maybe in this post I should introduce myself briefly just hitting on the high points:  that I am a musician, a submissive, a resident in Second Life, a local BDSM scene participant, married to my dominant that I met in the local BDSM scene in 2000, who is also a blogger and SLer and musician.   He goes by names like KwaiSpock in Second Life, Quai Disciplines in WordPress.  And then there’s Awesome Guy. Awesome Guyis my guide to the present, my growth muse, my partner in D/s exploration, already one of the best friends I’ve ever been blessed to have in my life, and one of the two men that I’ve chosen to serve in every way I can offer and in every way they will accept from me.  Quai and Awesome Guy.   Thank you both for your quiet and continuous inspiration/faith/challenge/acceptance of my submission/offering of your dominance.

 

The idea of this blog is to bridge the me that I am in all these different communities, mend the fragments, connect the facets of my multiple lives.  I used to keep it all very seperate. My real life from my virtual life…and within those two relms, the different communities I belonged to, like BDSM, philanthropy, music.  I’m doing this for several reasons.  One is simply my own sanity.  I can’t and no longer want to live with so many parts hidden from one another.  There’s too little time, too much duplication, too much wasted energy.   When I greet my 50th Earth year, (Oct 2012) I want to see one whole and clear person, with a purpose and a plan.

 

With my mother’s death 5 years ago, and then her brothers and so on…there’s only a couple left in that generation.  I am becoming part of the “Elder” generation in both sides of my family. And I realize, other than one brother and a niece and her kids and my step-daughter who is an adult–20 this year–who am I trying to impress?   And they already know I’m a kinkster and make music; well they do if they were paying attention.  And they have their lives and I have mine.  Viva la difference!  And the rest of my family…well..either I don’t care or I realize  they judged me as useless and confused a long long time ago so I’ve got nothing to lose there…so I still don’t care.  I’d love if some of them came out of the woodwork and said, “Wow Ren, didn’t know this about you…we have a lot in common…” or something like that but you know how that is.  Great if it happens, and not likely.  While I may make this blog accessible to them…would they read it?  At the same time, I’m trying to do it in a way that does protect those, such as friends and family that are not comfortable or simply don’t want to know this much about me.  I plan to do little if any censoring within these pages. Therefore I am very carefully placing them in categories that indicate erotic or otherwise controversial topics.  Hence my bit of warning poetry at the front door.

Another reason is my music.  As my music has become more and more authentically me, more and more of my erotic self and feelings about the D/s lifestyle are coming into out in it.  I finally decided one of my first CD’s needs to be a BDSM themed CD.  Once I made that decision, and in Second Life have continued in that direction also, binding my “sex alt” with my “main avatar” together by performing music in BDSM clubs, roleplaying as Freestar Tammas instead of the alt, etc, finally turning my live music themed island into an adult and D/s and bondage related island…while also seeking in that forum a greater immersion and understanding of D/s…I was already on the path in Second Life. Once I decided to make the music I do in my first life connected to BDSM, I realized there’s not much point in keeping them apart in SL either.  Blend…blend…blend….connect….connect…connect…

 

Now my husband blogs a spanker blog…blend…blend…connect….connect….

 

Soon I will open my bdsm island in SL where I also will play my music and ask guests musicians to join me…blend…blend…connect …connect…

 

Soon my first mp3s will be available for purchase….again…blend….blend….connect…connect…

 

I’ve always given my whole heart to principles I believe in, people I love, activities I enjoy.   If I look at you at all it will be with an intensity you are probably not used to.  And I’m curious…I will probably look. 🙂  When I get an idea I believe in I push through with it, no matter how many people tell me it’s a bad idea, an impractical idea.  I’ve gotten hurt easily because I am by nature very sincere, often pretty literal, and because I forget that most people don’t actually give a shit.  I always give a shit.  So it’s been said…by most that have seen me get hurt, including me, that I need a thicker skin to do the things I do, to pioneer, to be visionary.  Sometimes my coping mechanism, more often than not, in fact, has been anger.  It hurts so I roar.  It hurts so I object. It hurts so I beat the point into the ground (or into someone’s skull..heart….) and try to stop it from happening again.

 

It’s been said if I have a thicker skin…I won’t need to do that…I won’t feel it.  But deep down the idea of giving up feeling…was not right for me.   The idea of muting or reducing what I feel to survive…was not acceptable for me.  Even the idea of shielding myself so things roll or deflect off me was not working for me.  But openness…that comes naturally to me.  My motives are always clear for anyone that wants to bother to look at them.  My intentions are always right up front.  My opinions are always readily available, no need to make assumptions or read between the lines.   So what if I can take that further…and become so transparent, that instead of fighting or avoiding or standing up to, or sheilding against perceived and real attacks, that instead I let myself feel them, but not attach to the feelings…letting them and the impact flow through me, teaching me what they will, but not staying imbedded in my armor.

 

It reminds me of the drunk that falls down stairs.  They are so lose and relaxed they hardly get hurt.  Compared to someone that is tense, afraid of falling, and then breaks and strains and bruises all over from the same fall.  I want to be drunkenly open.  Hehe…sounds like a slutty party girl on an night out.  😀

 

Peace, love, respect and kinkiness,

 

Ren