I Asked the Universe #1: “Could You Be More Obvious?”

I asked the Universe, “Could you be more obvious?” and I think I heard in response, “No more hinting for you!”

Today I randomly found some lyrics by the name of “Restoration” I had apparently written while doing some organizing after a third try and finally some progress on recording a new song, “No Better”   I was rather stunned as I didn’t even remember writing them but very vaguely. I looked at the original date and time I had written them.  I rediscovered this song lyric only an hour and 40 minutes shy of the EXACT one year anniversary after writing it.

Now I’m going  to have to reflect on where I am now by comparison.  At the time my X- dom, J, was still living in our home after an attempt at a poly situation that just could not work for us at that time.  We were only about two weeks from realizing that and calling an end to the whole shebang, finally.  (He lived here 10 months, the D/s part was over in 2. I’m happy to say we remain friends.)  The song I finalized the lyrics and arrangement of today, one year later, “No Better” which was developed over the last week of “growing pains” with my current dom, Zeke is in production and lyrics can be found in my next post.   See blog post “I Asked the Universe #2: “Have I Changed?”  for that comparison of song lyrics, one year later.

8:25 pm Wednesday, March 16, 2011, first written and saved
6:45 pm Friday, March 16, 2012, found it randomly in a folder after writing another song and doing some organization.

I had an expectation
based on a flawed ideation
it’s the kind of thing that keeps you up
the whole damn night

I reached a point of pure frustration
I was completely out of patience
until the only point of recourse was
to flee or fight

so my bark turned into bite
I bound myself in fright
I was burrrrned out brother
a terrible sight

And so I sought restoration
in all the worst kinds of places
as a sign of desperation
a colliape of faces

and it all consumed me like a passion
and I consumed it as I burned
and for all that exalted masterbation
I still was left with nothing earned

so my day turned into night
I infused myself in spite
I was burrrrned out sistahh
a fateful flight

and down and down and down I fell
and the landing never came
we always weave our custom hells
and wallow in the shame

and when I strained to see the truth
in the darkness of my despair
I became my own angel of life and death
and chose my own life to spare

In a moment of clarity
in the midst of my life’s parody
there is a quiet meditation
a place of total restoration

where creation flows without restriction
and forms the root I’m manifesting
to tap the energy as it levels
in that light and dark I’m finally resting

Logs, Blogs, Docs and Blocks; that Rocks!

I have three main areas that I work, write, document, that assist me with personal growth.  One is a daily activity spreadsheet that I complete as the day goes by, that lists my daily goals that is kept in Google Documents and reviewed and responded to by both of my doms.  We have come to call this “docs.”  The second is a log that they have me keeping (they keep them too–how rad!).  A kind of a journal but still not on that level of open, maybe, as we do read each other’s.  But we do not comment on them directly, and do not judge.  The third is this blog, where I lay out increasingly more of myself like jam on toast.  Two of the items in “docs” is that I should blog and write in my log. Another one is that I should play with blocks, meaning take an emotional risk daily, work on areas I’m blocked, “play with blocks.”  However I also “get blocked” about doing all of the above.  And hence, this poem came about:

Logs, Blogs, Docs and Blocks; that Rocks!

I log about blocks in docs and blogs
I block about logs and docs and blogs
The docs insist that I log and blog
as well as knock down walls of blocks
I play with blocks,and log about docs
however it’s said, we three really ROCKS!

Perfectly Me – A Thought and a Lyric

Like most things I think to post about, it comes from interaction or conversation with someone else.  Today’s thought: How other people handle their business is not my business to judge.  I can only decide if I want to be around it and expose myself to it.  We always have that freedom to choose.  I could instead be around people that on whole inspire and support me, don’t drain me or doubt me.

I wanna be around people that live and create with abandon
I wanna be around charactors serving up dishes of random
I wanna be around individuals that inspire and support me
Don’t wanna inhale the air of those that doubt and drain me

I wanna be digging down into my righteous freedom
I wanna be soaring like the hawk with perfect vision
I wanna have a sky cam view of all that I encounter
I wanna make every moment something to remember

I see the span of roads that I could be taking
spread out before me in a vast array
this is no crossroad; it’s a tree of decisions
but there’s one light that’s ahead of me

and it calls…

and it calls…

me to be

to be perfectly me

—–

This sounds like a song lyric to me….yep it is 🙂  Song coming soon. Will link here as well as on my blog’s music page.

Here’s to non-judgement and self-acceptance,

Ren

surging

The sea surges in my blood.
It roars in my ears
and responds when the moon pulls.
I love the mineral salted taste
of this great organism.
I feel invited even as I am an intruder.
I feel accepted only as much as I accept what happens
while riding a lover’s rocking motion.
My blood breathes incantations to the moon and sea
a pulse keeping time to an ancient rhythm.
I can almost hear it.
It sounds like I imagined your voice
flowing through me.
The sea surges through me as if it is me.
It knows me like I know my blood.
Even better than that.