Positive Feedback Loop: Hope–Options

Options create hope. Hope perceives options.

When this loop is feeding back in a negative way:

When we feel we have no escape, no recourse, no redo, no options…we lose all hope.

When we accept that there is no way out, when we believe there is no way but down, when we lose all hope, we no longer are capable of perceiving any further options that might present themselves.

But what if there is an option? One decision, that can …

Reverse the direction of the loop to positive:

Decide to stay open to the possibility that there are options, even if none can be seen currently, keep looking for something that can be shifted or nudged to set into motion even more options.

When there are options you are again driving your life. Make your best choice and stay open to more. Now you have hope, and are increasingly resilient and able to see and respond to opening doors, potentially even transforming hope into the knowledge that you are creating more options with every movement.

If it’s Illegal it Must be Immoral…

Not necessarily. Think again.

That’s black and white, absolute thinking and where I start to get into trouble with people, because my mind always wants to say, that logically, we are all different, so different, in how we perceive the world, and there are so many contexts and complex conditions where the same act (killing someone, for example) would have different moral connotations.  To not consider the greys, to stick to a rigid fundamental way of thinking, such as in fundamental religion, only results in massive wells of guilt in the individual that ultimately expresses itself, in often far more destructive behaviors than the original “rule” they might have broken.  Your God’s laws and your individual country and state’s laws (which vary by religion and location) are not appropriate, fair, “moral” or just, for every individual in every situation. ((This also applies to D/s relationships when you think about it))

I understand why we need laws and rules in our various cultures and communities; it prevents chaos, or at least is supposed to. I have laws at my kinky cafe simulation in Second Life (a virtual world) because I’m trying to create a specific culture and want to attract people of minds that appreciate and also support my vision for it.  So I get it. And my vision for this cafe has my own personal morality at it’s heart, so I also get that my rules could be subjective and arbitrary for someone else. However that morality is based on the concept of respecting and learning from differences, and so is inherently non-rigid in spirit.  And more importantly, there is no moral judgement from me if what we want for the cafe is not what someone wants to experience for themselves.

The problem with rigid fundamental absolute thinking is that it is just plain illogical when applied to real situations. Take “Honor Your Father and Mother” which seems to be somewhat common morality in many cultures and religions, to be respectful of those that bring us into the world, and “Thou Shalt Not Kill”  which respects human life and is certainly a basic law in many countries and a big one in Judeo-Christian tenets, yet what if your parent tries to kill you, or orders you to kill someone else, such as to enlist as a soldier, or take revenge for a perceived injustice or to protect against someone that threatens your family or self directly?  In that moment which morality, rule, and/or law does the fundamentalist follow?

In order to accept absoluteness for themselves, morality fundamentalists (of any kind) cannot accept anything else for others; they cannot accept that what they believe is bad for them can be OK or even good for someone else, regardless of the circumstances.  They live by the principle, “If you know who the ultimate authority is, and you know what it’s rules are, then you can just follow them and be safe.”  And when fear is the whip used to push that message, safety becomes one of the main goals. Safe from hell, safe from harm, safe from judgement, safe from pain, safe from despair, safe from each other, safe from the bad guys, safe from ourselves, safe from confusion, safe from thinking.

No need to consider all those complex variables, perspectives, and intentions that logic demands we examine.

Fear, and The Cost of Protection

(A sunny Saturday afternoon conversation with my husband Quai resulted in this post)

Once you conquer your fear of death
the only thing stopping you from taking a risk
is fear of the pain that will result

Every day is full of pain for people anyway
because pain is part of life

Building a fortress around your garden will cut out all risk that comes from “out there”
meanwhile what you seek to protect dies on the vine
Separated from sun, water, food, attention, vital nutrients…
thriving stops, decay sets in

There is risk of pain and loss inherent in not building a fortress
(a fortress even made of intangibles like avoidance or the broader impact of things like lifestyle)
but the loss of freedom and growth is the cost to life when you choose to build protections (not take risks)

The will to live and the will to grow/thrive are synonymous and all living organisms possess the seed of it
It is the nature of life to complete it’s birth/growth/death –it’s life cycle

Only humans fear the mere concepts of loss and death
Animals experience it, but the fear is in the moment, it is not anticipated
It springs from the inherant will to live, the survival instinct

The preditor and prey rest and drink beside each other before and after the hunt
with full knowledge of the other’s nature
They do it with awareness but at the same time, at peace, without fear

Having the will to live and fearing death are not synonymous
Once you conquer your fear of death, only fear of pain is left

Thoughts of this Season – It’s going to be OK

I hope you are all having a great holiday.   Whoever this post reaches, it was intended for you.

Thoughts on enjoying this season, especially as it comes to a head this week with family, travel, and parties:

1. Pace yourself; in all the excitement and doing for others, remember yourself. You are precious to others so take care of yourself.
2. Be grateful for everything, even the things that annoy you every year.  When those people are gone you will miss even those things.
3. Think about what you actually remember and cherish from holidays of the past, whatever it is you celebrate, whatever your culture and traditions.  Some feelings and memories stick with you years later…let that be your guide this year for what you choose to value and let go of trying to make everything “perfect.”  There’s never enough time for everything,  so pick those things.
4. Make a commitment to carrying what they call “The Holiday Spirit” into the new year for as long as you can, which in truth, is just one of kindness and helpfulness and giving…and an openness to the possibility that we’re really all OK, that we are all forgivable.  Maybe you could choose a charity to champion in some way this coming year.  Anything.  No matter how old or young or challenged you are you can experience the great feeling of helping someone, or perhaps giving the gift of forgiveness to someone that is suffering and in need of it.  Just suggestions, I’m sure you can think of something. 🙂
5. Consider that going into debt buying gifts and making things “special” cannot fix relationships or “prove” love.  That requires communication and willingness to really listen to each other in ways you may not have been willing to before. Think about what you are really trying to achieve before spending money you can’t really afford to spend and consider other ways to express your feelings, like spending time just having fun and playing like kids. Isn’t time the most precious thing we have to give each other?

Be well everyone, stay safe and grateful and remember that it’s going to be OK.  Maybe even better than that!

With Respect and Blessings of the Season,

Ren

 

 

 

Unconditional (Let Love) – (Lyrics)

Unconditional (Let Love)

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 12/17/11)

Liner Notes:  Inspired by a deep conversation with Zeke, one of my doms, about love, what it is, what we mean when we say it. I pretty much said welcome to the club of thinkers and artists that have tried to capture and express what love is, and the types of love you can experience.  I guess it breaks down into erotic, romantic, love of family/friends, and love of humankind.  All I know is, by the time we were done the conversation, we were clear what we meant when we say it to each other and have felt “free” to ever since, whenever it’s felt.  I wish I felt so free more often, but words are labels and love is one of the biggest baddest labels of them all. 

There’s work to be done on the existing tracks, as well as addition of bass and mastering, but you can hear how this one is coming along here via my Original Lyrics A-Z page.

With open eyes
like the full moon
he asked me,  “What is love?”

what is love?

With open mind
fully in tune
he asked me, “What is love?”

Where does it come from?
What is it made of?
By whose law does it abide?

by whose law?

why does it often hurt
and seem so fragile
does love ever lie?

does love ever lie?
Why is there a fault line in something so magic
Why do we force it when it wants to move like water; so tragic
in it’s own way, (let it be)
by it’s own accord, (let it be)
how much more love could we receive?
if we let love?

D Stands for Dominant

(Originally posted in my Second Life Profile Pick, “Uh Oh! She’s thinking again…”)

10/19/12 – Some “dominants” confuse asshole-ism with authenticity, domineering with domination, possessiveness with ownership, misogyny with mastery, and roleplay with relationship. Unfortunately so do many submissives.

Bliss

(Originally posted in my Second Life Profile Pick, “Uh Oh! She’s thinking again…”)

10/18/12 – True bliss is a deep state of NOW.

“It Can’t Be This Easy.”

Trusting the Universe:

Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you try, all you get is obstacles, objections, limitations and rejections.  If you apply the universal “sky cam” view that I am personally trying to spend more time in, it seems it is because you are going down the wrong path, that the lesson is to either change direction or try harder, and you have to evaluate it, but either way, it means hard work, more effort, more struggle, more wondering why you even try when you don’t get anywhere for it all.

At other times it may seem that you do one small thing…maybe something you always felt a calling to do but never dared, something held you back.  And it seems like the world responds like crazy!  Everyone gives you validation at every turn.  You feel like you are on fire, have the magic touch, and find yourself swept up and riding this wave where you think it and it seems to manifest for you.  It’s exhilarating, up to a point, but can be kind of scary too, if given a chance to take a breath and digest what’s happening.

It may actually be easier to trust the Universe when it when it says, “no, wrong direction” or “no, you’re not ready for this yet” than it is to trust it when it gives us a resounding “Yes!” Those are the times when just a little bit of effort nets overwhelming results, as if the path is not just clear but paved with “can’t go wrong.”

I’ve backed away from that, it was too easy, and didn’t match the paradigm of past and current morality stories related to “having faith when times are hard.” Simple gratitude does not seem proportionally enough to stay in the good graces of overwhelming easiness. It should be harder, we should suffer, and we should only then overcome and THEN we can say thank you legitimately.

Heh.

More contemplation required!

Respect,

Ren 😀

Intentions. Damage. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with texture dammit!

I’d like to say that one of the tenets I live by is to stay mindful of people’s intentions when they approach me with things that upset me, or when they apologize.  In general I try to assume the best intention but you know, sometimes we get it wrong, in either direction; having faith in someone that doesn’t deserve it or hasn’t earned it, or conversely, misjudging someone that really meant well and was actually trying to help or be friendly.  Something that my husband said to me today was, “Not everyone with a “good heart” is fully functional.”  And I suddenly grokked fully why it is that it’s not enough to have good intentions, it goes back to our “damage” that we sustain over time.

I’ve long said that a big part of whether you will get along with someone without a lot of strife, regardless of the nature of the relationship, depends not on if one or both of you *have* issues, but rather, if your issues are compatible.  We ALL have “issues” and/or “damage.”   Some is really obvious. Some hides and then ambushes you (sometimes both of you!) Some damage is harder to see.  For instance if someone has life made too easy for another person for too long (a child, a lover, a friend recovering from a trauma), it tends to result in weakening on many levels.  Weakening can lead to a sense of inability or inadequacy, self-doubt, as the person never has to prove themselves.  Yet you might look at that person while the process of decay is taking place and see what appears to be happiness, contentment. But underneath is there another emotional current?  Making do–>  Frustration–> Resentment–> Guilt.–> Paralysis and further need to be cared for, protected, be grateful someone’s doing it.  Like I said, it can happen on many levels in many kinds of relationships.  Learned helplessness, is what I would dub it, if it hasn’t been, although surely has, and with a heaping helping of codependency quite often too.

When referencing my own damage recently, my friendom (new word!) Zeke responded, “It’s the damage that makes you wonderful.”

And I think I get where he was coming from with that. I mean it’s how you respond to what happens to you that is a big part of who you are, and end up, and like the physical scars and marks we carry on our bodies that tell a story of our life, make us different, interesting, at least in my mind, perhaps the internal scars we carry also give texture to our expressions, even after we’ve healed.  Something to think about.  Hmmm.  Is there anyone that really would accept a deal to give up who you are permanently…to be someone else?   I wonder.   I mean we might all say we want someone else’s life at some point, or lifestyle or something, we don’t actually mean “and cease to be me ever again.”   Who would really take that deal if it was possible?  Well, I wouldn’t.  And my issues can be worked on, my damage maybe just adds texture. Ain’t nothin wrong with texture, dammit.

Respect,

Ren

The Universe Asked Me – #1

“Hello, Did you wake up today?”

When your mother asks you that you have one kind of answer, likely involving rolling of the eyes, I don’t care how old you are (neither does she, she’ll always want to know).  But when the Universe asks you that, what do you say?  Seemed like a good thing to have an answer for.

This idea came about because it seems like lately my husband, Quai Franklin, and I have been talking about how to live our perfect lives, live as our most authentic selves and what seems like a lot of messages coming from us from all sides that that’s exactly what we need to do, now more than ever; that things always work out better when we are just truly ourselves.  We’ve both been on this quest individually for years, no doubt. Our good friend Zeke is really just beginning this quest, whereas we are finally finding our way back to the path after many life detours.  We all bring invaluable perspectives to the table in our little “personal growth tank” as I have come to appreciate this trio of characters that we are.  I think we all kind of have a secret hope, maybe not so secret, that we can grow to include others somehow.  That’s a very potentially broad and idealistic and possibly esoteric concept maybe but a lot of amazing things can grow from something small and honest.

At one point,while Qwai and I were talking about our ideal lives, we both got kinda emotional conceptualizing it…you know, shimmering with it…and I asked him, “Can we really live like that?”  And he responded, laughing, “I don’t think we get to ask that question at this point, the Universe has revoked our privileges to ask it.”   Many things we thought were impossible visions have happened for us in the nearly 12 years we’ve known each other (including meeting each other to start with!), or we have somehow managed to make happen.  And my thought is, on my end, the only thing really stopping me from living it right now is my body’s limitations (current and future best–which I fear facing as limited).  The more I reduce those limitations the more I get to live as I dream.  Currently the biggest limitation is low energy and weakness.  This means doing all I can not to waste or deplete energy in ways that don’t also benefit and support long term sustainability.  Wow that “S” word comes up a lot in many areas of my life these days.

My response to Quai’s claim the Universe is pretty supportive of us continuing on the path of being us was that the Universe might put it more succinctly like “Duh.  Did you wake up today?” which can be understood in a myriad of ways from that jumping point, although what I meant first was, ” you are already living it,’ followed by other interpretations like thinking of it as a meditation: “Are you mindful of your life today? Are you awake to the big picture? Are you aware of the currents around you?  Are you awake on more levels than just physically?” You know…the stuff that the Universe might care about if it cared..haha. 🙂

I want pause here to recognize for myself that I think it’s great that even despite the fair amount of “damage” I’ve accumulated over the years I’ve climbed, slid down, rolled across, hardly noticed, and crawled through this blessed life, I still have enough optimism to say what I did above about living authentically and the changes required and mean it.   Zeke today commented on something that my amazing step-daughter said in her FB, part of a debate she was having with her grandmother…(oh wondrous and scary, these modern times where family debates can be views by thousands–internet reality shows)…where she said that part of being 20 is being more open to change, in this case she was referring to the radical change of a “world without money.” Zeke commented that she was “from the same planet” as he is also in his 20s and very very open to change and believes a world without money is possible.  And I just realized that despite all of the above I’m from that same planet, in terms of still believing that revolutionary change and broad evolution on a consciousness level is possible, that it’s STILL possible to make peace with each other and heal this planet and it’s people, even if I can only make that happen one relationship at a time, one moment at a time.

Speaking of damage, is our damage what makes us wonderful?  More on this topic on my next post…

As to whether I woke up today, I think I did.  By writing this post, and I have been long overdue and refuse to look at actual numbers…I am saying I’m awake today, Universe. Bring it on!

Respect,

Ren

PS. the reason I keep capitalizing the word “universe” is because I’m thinking of it as the essense and source and end of life that we are all part of and from and regardless of whether being human means we are merely matter or transform from matter to energy and back again in a “spiritual” sense or not, I still feel like I want to give it proper respect with a capital U in reverence to it’s cosmic vastness and the Source that I’m part of. 😀  Source and Universe being interchangeable in my mind. I mean seriously…the Universe is AWESOME!  Gosh…how many are there?  What’s bigger than a collection of Universes?  Somebody …please stop me….