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I just felt a need to say that.  That’s pretty much all for now. Thanks 🙂

Ren

P.S. I won’t get mad if you don’t.  

Terra Coughs and Sun Sneezes…

This structure of dependence on technology and fossil fuel that the most “developed’ countries have created is simultaneously changing the game plan (think global warming) far far faster than we can possibly develop technology to respond with.

The Earth shakes, the sun spots become active, the glaciers become mobile, the water rises, the food dies, our skin bubbles cancer, and our life-lines to the world: our information and technology, just sputter out. There, and then gone.  We love coming up with movie scenarios about how easily our infrastructures could collapse.  But we don’t need to look far to see real examples of what happens when nature bites, or oil is spilled, or levies (politics) fail.  It’s some really scary shit.

You know that feeling you get when you lose internet for a night? Or lose power altogether? Imagine a total blackout.  Even for a day, a week, a month. It’s easy to be overwhelmed thinking about the cascade of responses that would likely happen next, not the scariest of which are mass panic, greed and general chaos. Our civilization is truely fragile. Our value systems and our character would suddenly be challenged to the breaking point. And I predict most of us will break, to varying degrees. As it is we can barely be civil with each other. How about when our technology fails us on a grand scale for any reason?  A globally warmed “natural” disaster, an overzealous extremist with nuclear fire power…

And it’s looking like “when,” not if. Damn. Yay, America, still dragging your heels in ceasing to do harm or doing anything really constructive! And don’t call me unpatriotic. I would love it if my fucking country finally did the things I really stand for and I could be proud of our policies and leadership.  I wish.  Really. I still hope.

I really hoped even more that the whole 12-12-12 thing would rock us all right into an evolved global human conciousness.

Nope.

“No Cigar, Mr. President.” (spoken in my best Marilyn/Monica)

——–

Ren climbs off her rant box, empties a can of lighter fluid on it and back hands a lit match in it’s general direction. She walks off without looking back, heading toward a quiet evening of pixel porn, conversation, and music making, not in any particular order.

 

Aging

“I’m not going to miss out on the experience of being 50 just because other people are uncomfortable with it.”

Here’s how I got to the point of making that statement…

So it’s a new year, and I’m 50.  (That happened in October but I’m still figuring out what it actually means to me.)

Naturally, this is an adjustment and I’m thinking a lot about my age. Odds are pretty pretty good that I’m past the halfway point of my life. Typically, a deeper awareness of the inevitability of one’s mortality usually comes to us via some kind of health wake-up call, regardless of how many friends or family have gone ahead to the happy hunting ground.  (love that metaphor for some reason…hehe…sounds like C.A.R.P.)

I had a bunch of problems with shortness of breath and dizziness over the holidays and I’m grateful I didn’t have a lot of gigs scheduled because I would only have had to cancel.  But I passed a pulmonary machine test, 95% blood oxygen in fact, no signs or elevations that indicate infection or inflammation in my blood work, no diabetes, chest xray was clear (thank you Universe) tho they did hear a bit of wheezing, I’m pretty sure now it was my “volcano” vaporizer that was causing or at least exacerbating/compounding whatever is going on.  She’s still sending me to a pulmonary specialist, even with that confession.  This week I have a nerve conduction test in four limbs for suspected nerve compression and also a bone density test and something else…losing track. heh.

But the point of all of that is that they discovered inadvertently, that I have hypothyroidism.  They don’t come right out and say, “You have hypothyroidism,” although probably if I was in the office getting the news instead of phone I would have been handed a pamphlet called “Hypothyroidism and You.”  I’d put money on that one.   Instead they have a nurse tell me, “Your thyroid is low, which pharmacy can we send the Synthroid to?  Come back in six weeks to be monitored with another blood draw.”  That’s it. I gave it the name all by myself.

Okie dokie, so according to THE INTERNET it’s most likely an autoimmune thing where my body will just progressively destroy my thyroid tissue and doctors will compensate with synthetic thyroid for the rest of my life.  Groovy.  But I’m actually freaking GLAD there is a reason for feeling so shitty all the time that you can do something about without creating more symptoms from side effects (unlike FMS) and equally fearful that this treatment,too, will prove not to make any damned difference at all.  I had been given it therapeutically in the past by different doctors based on symptoms alone, before having the symptoms set blamed on candidiasis or fibromyalgia.  But not one of them ever told me how to take the hormone so it would actually be absorbed, and no one ever said they wanted to monitor it. I didn’t have insurance so after a few weeks or when the first bottle ran out I would not get more because I could not discern enough difference in how I felt to justify the cost.  But as it turns out if you don’t take it exactly right and for at least 6 weeks it can’t be absorbed or reach a therapeutic level.  Sigh.

blah blah…I won’t bore you with anymore details on my health picture right now, but anyway…hmmm…hypothyroidism.  (Took my very first pill last night. I woke up feeling very strange–what I think people mean  when they say they “rested.”  Placebo effect? Seems too soon to feel such a dif … ) Which brings me back to my original inspiration for this post…

I’m aging. I’m aware of it. I’m working to make peace with it.

Part of the struggle is changing my interpretation of different labels.  Like “submissive” for instance.  When I picture in my brain a submissive…well fuck me…what I see is a skinny 20 something on her knees.  Not a fifty year old woman with sore knees. When I imagine thin, someone, me, that loses the weight I need (not just want) to lose, I imagine myself in my 20s, or 30s….again…not the reality that significant weight loss at my age makes you look significantly older, not fit and young.  When I think of singers that actually perform the kind of music I write and like to sing, my music which ranges from comedy to smokey to downright comehitherandfuckme, I again picture youth, and what youth usually means, such as energy, no chronic pain…things I haven’t had access to for most of my life., but still, like everyone else, associate with successful performing female musicians (especially those just starting out), espeically ones that create and try to express erotic ideas/content, which I do. No matter what else I accomplish for the rest of my life, I cannot be young ever again.

Accepting my age  also involves accepting and forgiving myself for the unnecessary damage I have done to my body to age it faster and write my fate for the second half of my life.  I cannot undo the damage of sunburns to my skin that now tries to kill me (I’ve already had a melanoma), nor whatever I’ve done to my lungs from that 8 years of smoking cigs or 30 years of smoking cannabis off and on might have done (for both treating physical pain, depressions and anxiety, and yes, for fun). I can’t undo the damage in my knees and feet that carrying too much weight my whole life has done.  I probably can’t remove any sludge I’ve already deposited in my arteries, or the carcinogens I knowingly ingested because I liked how it felt or tasted (like char-grilled meat).  Add heredity.

And that’s just the health stuff.  There’s also the whole “omg…what have I done with my life?  Who am I?  What does it all mean?  I was supposed to have done X, Y, and Z by now. Oh God I may NEVER do X, Y, OR Z!  Where do I really belong in the world? Where am I going? Wtf happens AFTER this?  Will there be enough money to get to that point without undo suffering?”  It’s actually pretty similar to the first time around when you are in your early 20s thinking of all that, but minus the “it’s late or about to be too late” and the “OMG I’m actually going to die some day, probably from a disease!” factors.

Then there’s how people treat you.  It changes.  “The Golden Girls” did not help, in my opinion.  I’m not entirely sure “Desperate Housewives” did either.  I no longer think Cher is actually human so I can’t use her as an example either.   Well at least it opened the door to sex after 50 being a plausible concept, and even made it OK if it’s a bit sexy, kinky even.   But I guess I still don’t feel represented.  I tell myself there are others that might feel that way so maybe “I” can represent that for them.  Maybe that’s my role, my place in music’s underground.  But I have had people call me “Ma’am” lately.  Shivers.  And another musician wrote to me to say, “wow, you’re old. I’m sorry for you.”     I think pity or thinking I’m just “cute” for trying is the worst thing you feel coming at you.  And then down the line you also get to be considered increasingly useless and in the way.  Can’t wait.

So I’m putting a stop to this bullshit line of media induced thinking right here.  They can dish it up but I don’t have to ingest it anymore. I am sexual and erotic and musical and outspoken and full figured because I am, not because I have permission to be from society.  I welcome society to embrace me or go fuck themselves, whichever it might enjoy most.

I’ve always said, “I don’t want to lie about my age. I want a medal for every year I pull off.”   I’ve never meant that more. Because I’ll tell you something…
Aging takes courage.

Respect, Ren

Preparing to Die – A Life Affirming New Year’s Message

The best way to prepare to die, is to live well.

By “live well,”  I mean do the things daily that you would do if you were told your death was imminent and you wanted to prepare to die.  You would have information for your loved ones in order and accessible.  You would tell them you love them. You would try to make amends and say you were sorry where you could. You would perhaps take risks you never had the guts to take before.   If we live this way everyday we will always be prepared to die.

Live well.

When my mother was passing away in hospice she said, “I don’t mind dying, but there are so many things I haven’t finished yet!”  She was 83 and in the 43 years I got to be her daughter on this planet, I never heard her turn down a project.  When she said that I just held her hand and laughed, and said, “Mom, if you had another 50 years of perfect health granted you right now, you would be saying the same thing at the end of it.”  She laughed with me and I think that gave her peace.  It gives me peace.  There’s a few things I need to do, accomplishments like record my music, the only tangible thing I have to give, my legacy, if you will, is my music and whomever’s lives I have touched, in good or bad ways.

I don’t want to spend my life fearing death.  I choose to embrace it by accepting that death is an inescapable reality for every single one of us and by being my complete and authentic self every moment of every day. That means speaking what I feel, taking risks, accomplishing as many goals as I get lucky enough to get in before then, and leaving people better off for having known me, and not wondering how I felt about them, or without my forgiveness.

May each and every one of you really live this year, starting with this moment.

Respect, Ren

Thoughts of this Season – It’s going to be OK

I hope you are all having a great holiday.   Whoever this post reaches, it was intended for you.

Thoughts on enjoying this season, especially as it comes to a head this week with family, travel, and parties:

1. Pace yourself; in all the excitement and doing for others, remember yourself. You are precious to others so take care of yourself.
2. Be grateful for everything, even the things that annoy you every year.  When those people are gone you will miss even those things.
3. Think about what you actually remember and cherish from holidays of the past, whatever it is you celebrate, whatever your culture and traditions.  Some feelings and memories stick with you years later…let that be your guide this year for what you choose to value and let go of trying to make everything “perfect.”  There’s never enough time for everything,  so pick those things.
4. Make a commitment to carrying what they call “The Holiday Spirit” into the new year for as long as you can, which in truth, is just one of kindness and helpfulness and giving…and an openness to the possibility that we’re really all OK, that we are all forgivable.  Maybe you could choose a charity to champion in some way this coming year.  Anything.  No matter how old or young or challenged you are you can experience the great feeling of helping someone, or perhaps giving the gift of forgiveness to someone that is suffering and in need of it.  Just suggestions, I’m sure you can think of something. 🙂
5. Consider that going into debt buying gifts and making things “special” cannot fix relationships or “prove” love.  That requires communication and willingness to really listen to each other in ways you may not have been willing to before. Think about what you are really trying to achieve before spending money you can’t really afford to spend and consider other ways to express your feelings, like spending time just having fun and playing like kids. Isn’t time the most precious thing we have to give each other?

Be well everyone, stay safe and grateful and remember that it’s going to be OK.  Maybe even better than that!

With Respect and Blessings of the Season,

Ren

 

 

 

Grow Up! (whaaaat?)

Originally posted in my Second Life Profile Pick, “Uh Oh… She’s Thinking Again! (Recent Thought Logging)”

11/10/12 – I turned 50 in October 2012. And I realized that:

In my 20s it was the 1980s, my 30s it was the 1990s, my 40s was 2000s. Now it’s heading into 2013,  so it’s the “teens” all over again. How fitting. Second shot at growing up? Middle age does have some things in common with puberty.  Think about that.  Hmm.

It’s Only You (Lyrics)

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 1985)

Liner Notes: I wrote this as a pep talk to myself when I was in between boyfriends in my early 20s in PA

Verse 1

Oo baby tell me are you crying
for the pain you left behind?
Because you know there were some good times, yeah
Baby, have you found your truth yet?
Its up to you how you do

Verse 2

Oh baby now you’re on the wire
Behind you see the repetition
Beyond you there can be some good times, yeah
Baby have you sung enough blues yet?
It’s only you, how you do!

Chorus

You are alone, though loves supports you
You make it work, though work is harder now
Commitment can be your redemption
You sow, you reap, and so you weep
You’re gonna have to learn it some how!

VERSE 3

Oo Lady is this chapter finished?
And has a new one just begun?
So when you write the final pages
will you say you’ve found your truth yet?
It’s only you how you do!

Verse 4

Oo lady, feel the sun is warming
The thaw is coming time to shine
Flow like a river, moving clear and cool
Baby have you found your proof yet?
It’s only you, yeah and how you do!

(Chorus)

I Still LIke You (Lyrics)

I Still Like You

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(copyright 12/23/12)

Liner Notes:  I have no idea where this came from other than random though threads following a typical conversation about life, the Universe and Everything with Quai, but I wrote it today. I hear a kind of brassy jazzy pop going on with this. I have a melody in my head.  

Verse 1

Everybody’s got issues
that’s not the issue
but does your issue
get along with mine?

Everbody’s got problems
that’s not the problem
but some kinda problems
come up all the time!

Chorus:

We’ve got a secret that we already know
We just don’t talk about it, that’s how that goes
and if we did then we might just have to face
that we can’t keep this up, no not at this pace

Verse 2

Everbody’s got reasons
that’s not a reason’
to try to reason
away the truth

Everybody’s got troubles
that’s not the trouble
but we’ve got trouble
and that takes two

(Chorus)

Verse 3:

Vocal jam to verse chords

do do do do do do do do
do do doooo I still like you
do do do do do do do do
but there are times I can’t…stand… you!

Unconditional (Let Love) – (Lyrics)

Unconditional (Let Love)

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 12/17/11)

Liner Notes:  Inspired by a deep conversation with Zeke, one of my doms, about love, what it is, what we mean when we say it. I pretty much said welcome to the club of thinkers and artists that have tried to capture and express what love is, and the types of love you can experience.  I guess it breaks down into erotic, romantic, love of family/friends, and love of humankind.  All I know is, by the time we were done the conversation, we were clear what we meant when we say it to each other and have felt “free” to ever since, whenever it’s felt.  I wish I felt so free more often, but words are labels and love is one of the biggest baddest labels of them all. 

There’s work to be done on the existing tracks, as well as addition of bass and mastering, but you can hear how this one is coming along here via my Original Lyrics A-Z page.

With open eyes
like the full moon
he asked me,  “What is love?”

what is love?

With open mind
fully in tune
he asked me, “What is love?”

Where does it come from?
What is it made of?
By whose law does it abide?

by whose law?

why does it often hurt
and seem so fragile
does love ever lie?

does love ever lie?
Why is there a fault line in something so magic
Why do we force it when it wants to move like water; so tragic
in it’s own way, (let it be)
by it’s own accord, (let it be)
how much more love could we receive?
if we let love?

No Better (Lyrics)

No Better

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 06/23/12)

Liner Notes:  This one was written for my dominant, Zeke. He knows I’m no better unbound.

Verse 1

We can’t fight each other’s battles
We can’t wage each other’s war
We can’t claim a part in victory
if we aren’t there for the fall

We can try to work together
We can try to take a stand
If we take it toward each other
we will surely end up damned

Verse 2

I agree we must be stronger
I agree I didn’t trust
and I’ll say it if I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m still removing the rust

And if not for all of these
good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust
turning back to dust

Chorus

I am amazed that we are poetry
I’m stunned that we exist
I’m ablaze with erotic imagery
I’m debased with erotic twist

I’m clouded in my judgement
I’ve never seen so far before
I’m aghast my past is loosening
and I’m lounging on the floor

I’m struggling in my stupor
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I am with you
and I’m no better found alone

(Vocal Jam)

Verse 3

We can try and find the limits
We can push until we fall
It’s ok to fall together
if we’re tearing down the walls

There’s a lesson in here somewhere
there’s a gift to be unwrapped
I’ve submitted to correction
I was wrong in my attack

Verse 4

I agree there is a reason
and I see I didn’t trust
Among the roots that I’ve been digging
I’ve uncovered faith in us

And if not for all of these
good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust
turning back to dust

Chorus 2

I’m amazed how well you know me
I’m stunned how well we sync
I’m ablaze with the heat of everything
I’m focused on only this

I’m giving up my judgement
I’ve left regretting at the door
I’m eager for more exploring
where I haven’t thought to go before
I’m soaring in the space you sent me
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I’m without you
I’m no better found unbound