Broke (Lyrics)

Broke

Lyrics and Music by Ren Enberg
(Copyright 10/27/12)

Liner Note: I started this just a few days before my 50th birthday this year.  This was partly about being 50 (Holy where’d the time go? Shit, Batman!) and partly about losing several people I cared about in a short time in one way or another, one was the person’s withdrawal, a destructive family disagreement based on too much judgement and not enough real communication, and with cold finality, a long expected but much dreaded death. The one that followed, “Over My Head” at first glance may seem even bleaker but really it’s the wake up call to action. (That will be in a few posts).

Verse 1 + Chorus

And so I lay awake at night
taking stock of
every single moment of my life
and when I feel the break
it doesnt hurt as much
as I imagined it would be like
when I broke
when I broke
’cause when I broke
that’s all that happened

Verse 2 + Chorus

And so I turn another page
replacing sorrow
with a brand new kind of ache behind the rage
it doesn’t let me rest
it doesn’t let me hide
I’m finally scared enough to fight
don’t know if I’m winning
don’t know if I’m winning
don’t know if I’m winning, yeah but I”m still learning
and that counts for something!
It counts for something.

Break

stretched to fit
compressed to quit
if this is it
I just wanna run
just too hard
a mirror shard
has entered my heart
the deed is done

Outro

i’ve seen the dark
i’ve seen the sun
i’ve seen the truth
i’m not the one
I’m not the one with any answers

“It Can’t Be This Easy.”

Trusting the Universe:

Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you try, all you get is obstacles, objections, limitations and rejections.  If you apply the universal “sky cam” view that I am personally trying to spend more time in, it seems it is because you are going down the wrong path, that the lesson is to either change direction or try harder, and you have to evaluate it, but either way, it means hard work, more effort, more struggle, more wondering why you even try when you don’t get anywhere for it all.

At other times it may seem that you do one small thing…maybe something you always felt a calling to do but never dared, something held you back.  And it seems like the world responds like crazy!  Everyone gives you validation at every turn.  You feel like you are on fire, have the magic touch, and find yourself swept up and riding this wave where you think it and it seems to manifest for you.  It’s exhilarating, up to a point, but can be kind of scary too, if given a chance to take a breath and digest what’s happening.

It may actually be easier to trust the Universe when it when it says, “no, wrong direction” or “no, you’re not ready for this yet” than it is to trust it when it gives us a resounding “Yes!” Those are the times when just a little bit of effort nets overwhelming results, as if the path is not just clear but paved with “can’t go wrong.”

I’ve backed away from that, it was too easy, and didn’t match the paradigm of past and current morality stories related to “having faith when times are hard.” Simple gratitude does not seem proportionally enough to stay in the good graces of overwhelming easiness. It should be harder, we should suffer, and we should only then overcome and THEN we can say thank you legitimately.

Heh.

More contemplation required!

Respect,

Ren 😀

I Asked the Universe #2 – “Have I changed?”

So carrying on from the last post, I Asked the Universe #1 – “Could you be more obvious?” where I shared the lyrics I’d written and forgotten about for exactly one year, minus 1 hour and 40 mins in a state of pretty strong despair about where D/s fits in my life, who I was, what I was going to do next, after the failure of an attempt of going from an SL D/s relationship to a RL poly situation.  That song lyric was called “Resolution” and is not yet a song.

Random fact: March 4, in my 24th year, was the day I moved into my own apartment (apartment 4, on 4th street, with four more 4’s in my new phone number) for the first time, no roommates.  It was the same day that only 166 miles away, Zeke was being born.  Twenty-four years later, living 3000 miles away. give or take, and joined Second Life  where I met him in the 4th month of last year, and has become an amazing and major contributor to my life story and the current blessings of my life.  He’s also inspiring a lot of songs!  Oh Universe…you’re so much fun sometimes.  Did I mention his favorite number happens to be 4?

More random facts: It was a really crappy apartment but very safe and it was MINE. I’d have been happy with a closet I could lock at the time.  It was while living in that apartment that I first ventured out to perform my music live, that saw me learn to cook, through the ending of a 4 year relationship with someone that did not support my music, 3 bands, 8 years of folk festivals, 3 cats  (found homes for two, one died), 8 potential career paths (house cleaning, original refrigerator magnets and dollhouse miniature food, daycare aide, leotard inspector, water-based die mixer, head of shipping and receiving in two companies, custom bass guitar carver, musician), one surgery, and finally met my first husband, K, that talked me into moving to the south where we divorced and I married Quai.  That’s just while in that appartment.

As to the question, “Have I changed?”  The jury may still be out, but apparently the Universe would like me to take a closer look. I know that since Zeke entered my life, change has come much much more rapidly!   OK…yes..yes I have.  I HAVE changed, you crazy ole Universe!  And you know it!  But yes, yes…I’ll think about it harder.

Here’s the lyrics to the song “No Better” that I wrote a year after “Resolution.”

1.    We can’t fight each other’s battles
we can’t wage each other’s war
we can’t claim a part in victory
if we aren’t there for the fall

We can try to work together
we can try to take a stand
if we take it toward each other
we will surely end up damned

2.  I agree we must be stronger
I agree I didn’t trust
and I’ll say it if I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m still removing rust

and if not for all of these …good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust

CHORUS I:

I’m amazed that we are poetry
I’m stunned that we exist
I’m ablaze with erotic imagry
I’m debased with erotic twist
I’m clouded in my judgement
I’ve never seen so far before
I’m aghast my past is loosening
I’m lounging on the floor
I’m struggling in my stupor
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I am with you
I’m no better found alone
3.   We can try and find the limits
We can push until we fall
It’s ok to fall together
if we’re tearing down the walls

There’s a lesson in here somewhere
there’s a gift to be unwrapped
I’ve submitted to correction
I was wrong in my attack

4.  I agree there is a reason
and I see I didn’t trust
among the roots that I’ve been digging
I’ve uncovered faith in us

and if not for all of these …good intentions
we’d be turning back to dust

CHORUS II:

I’m amazed how well you know me
I’m stunned how well we sync
I’m ablaze with the heat of everything
I’m focused on only this
I’m giving up my judgement
I’ve left regretting at the door
I’m eager for more exploring
where I haven’t thought to go before
I’m soaring in the space you take me
I’m endorphined to the bone
I’m not lost when I’m without you
I’m no better found undone

I Asked the Universe #1: “Could You Be More Obvious?”

I asked the Universe, “Could you be more obvious?” and I think I heard in response, “No more hinting for you!”

Today I randomly found some lyrics by the name of “Restoration” I had apparently written while doing some organizing after a third try and finally some progress on recording a new song, “No Better”   I was rather stunned as I didn’t even remember writing them but very vaguely. I looked at the original date and time I had written them.  I rediscovered this song lyric only an hour and 40 minutes shy of the EXACT one year anniversary after writing it.

Now I’m going  to have to reflect on where I am now by comparison.  At the time my X- dom, J, was still living in our home after an attempt at a poly situation that just could not work for us at that time.  We were only about two weeks from realizing that and calling an end to the whole shebang, finally.  (He lived here 10 months, the D/s part was over in 2. I’m happy to say we remain friends.)  The song I finalized the lyrics and arrangement of today, one year later, “No Better” which was developed over the last week of “growing pains” with my current dom, Zeke is in production and lyrics can be found in my next post.   See blog post “I Asked the Universe #2: “Have I Changed?”  for that comparison of song lyrics, one year later.

8:25 pm Wednesday, March 16, 2011, first written and saved
6:45 pm Friday, March 16, 2012, found it randomly in a folder after writing another song and doing some organization.

I had an expectation
based on a flawed ideation
it’s the kind of thing that keeps you up
the whole damn night

I reached a point of pure frustration
I was completely out of patience
until the only point of recourse was
to flee or fight

so my bark turned into bite
I bound myself in fright
I was burrrrned out brother
a terrible sight

And so I sought restoration
in all the worst kinds of places
as a sign of desperation
a colliape of faces

and it all consumed me like a passion
and I consumed it as I burned
and for all that exalted masterbation
I still was left with nothing earned

so my day turned into night
I infused myself in spite
I was burrrrned out sistahh
a fateful flight

and down and down and down I fell
and the landing never came
we always weave our custom hells
and wallow in the shame

and when I strained to see the truth
in the darkness of my despair
I became my own angel of life and death
and chose my own life to spare

In a moment of clarity
in the midst of my life’s parody
there is a quiet meditation
a place of total restoration

where creation flows without restriction
and forms the root I’m manifesting
to tap the energy as it levels
in that light and dark I’m finally resting

Perfectly Me – A Thought and a Lyric

Like most things I think to post about, it comes from interaction or conversation with someone else.  Today’s thought: How other people handle their business is not my business to judge.  I can only decide if I want to be around it and expose myself to it.  We always have that freedom to choose.  I could instead be around people that on whole inspire and support me, don’t drain me or doubt me.

I wanna be around people that live and create with abandon
I wanna be around charactors serving up dishes of random
I wanna be around individuals that inspire and support me
Don’t wanna inhale the air of those that doubt and drain me

I wanna be digging down into my righteous freedom
I wanna be soaring like the hawk with perfect vision
I wanna have a sky cam view of all that I encounter
I wanna make every moment something to remember

I see the span of roads that I could be taking
spread out before me in a vast array
this is no crossroad; it’s a tree of decisions
but there’s one light that’s ahead of me

and it calls…

and it calls…

me to be

to be perfectly me

—–

This sounds like a song lyric to me….yep it is 🙂  Song coming soon. Will link here as well as on my blog’s music page.

Here’s to non-judgement and self-acceptance,

Ren

Intentions. Damage. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with texture dammit!

I’d like to say that one of the tenets I live by is to stay mindful of people’s intentions when they approach me with things that upset me, or when they apologize.  In general I try to assume the best intention but you know, sometimes we get it wrong, in either direction; having faith in someone that doesn’t deserve it or hasn’t earned it, or conversely, misjudging someone that really meant well and was actually trying to help or be friendly.  Something that my husband said to me today was, “Not everyone with a “good heart” is fully functional.”  And I suddenly grokked fully why it is that it’s not enough to have good intentions, it goes back to our “damage” that we sustain over time.

I’ve long said that a big part of whether you will get along with someone without a lot of strife, regardless of the nature of the relationship, depends not on if one or both of you *have* issues, but rather, if your issues are compatible.  We ALL have “issues” and/or “damage.”   Some is really obvious. Some hides and then ambushes you (sometimes both of you!) Some damage is harder to see.  For instance if someone has life made too easy for another person for too long (a child, a lover, a friend recovering from a trauma), it tends to result in weakening on many levels.  Weakening can lead to a sense of inability or inadequacy, self-doubt, as the person never has to prove themselves.  Yet you might look at that person while the process of decay is taking place and see what appears to be happiness, contentment. But underneath is there another emotional current?  Making do–>  Frustration–> Resentment–> Guilt.–> Paralysis and further need to be cared for, protected, be grateful someone’s doing it.  Like I said, it can happen on many levels in many kinds of relationships.  Learned helplessness, is what I would dub it, if it hasn’t been, although surely has, and with a heaping helping of codependency quite often too.

When referencing my own damage recently, my friendom (new word!) Zeke responded, “It’s the damage that makes you wonderful.”

And I think I get where he was coming from with that. I mean it’s how you respond to what happens to you that is a big part of who you are, and end up, and like the physical scars and marks we carry on our bodies that tell a story of our life, make us different, interesting, at least in my mind, perhaps the internal scars we carry also give texture to our expressions, even after we’ve healed.  Something to think about.  Hmmm.  Is there anyone that really would accept a deal to give up who you are permanently…to be someone else?   I wonder.   I mean we might all say we want someone else’s life at some point, or lifestyle or something, we don’t actually mean “and cease to be me ever again.”   Who would really take that deal if it was possible?  Well, I wouldn’t.  And my issues can be worked on, my damage maybe just adds texture. Ain’t nothin wrong with texture, dammit.

Respect,

Ren